User Profile

Voyeurs unite to worship at the altar of GSOH_DTE_LOL. I am 31 and I've never been on a date. I'm not hideous, I'm not shy, I'm just terribly, terribly cynical, slightly awkward and very rarely attracted. Here I will document my dark descent into the world of dating in a desperate quest to find eternal happiness. In the event I am unable to find an individual to shoulder this burden, then mindless and soul-destroying sex with strangers might have to suffice - but first to find an elixir to boy germs.

So this is where you come in. I need a panel of wise and experienced advisories. And when I say 'experienced', I mean 'more experienced than me'. So all 12 year olds welcome, just get your mother to sign the R rating disclaimer. When I say 'advisors' I mean people who have the capacity to not only advise, but prevent me from rebuffing and running away from every advance. Please. Be my mentors, normal people of life.

The following is what I would write on a dating site if I were being honest:

My Description:
Horribly paradoxical, terribly neurotic, animal loving odd-ball seeks anyone who'll give her the time of day. I'm terrified of commitment, intimacy, rejection, abandonment, relationships and public speaking. I'm not terribly fond of sex. I can be introverted, extroverted and converted into a functional human being by the right saint with the patience and wisdom of buddah. Though really, that's just speculation. I'd like to think that there's more to life than arbitrary atoms and more to men than sex and stupidity. Unfortunately science indicates I'm living in a fanciful, fanciful world, on both counts. I like beetroot and cheese. I can be boring and stand-offish. I like my space. I like your space. I can be fairly assertive and relatively flexible. If you show an ounce of pretentious machismo I'll be instantly repulsed. If you try to woo me with shiny trinkets I'll run a mile. If you profess to me your undying love I'll call the CAT team who will certainly commit you. I'm self-depracatory and I can't decide if it's facetious or not, most days. I like words. Preferably words so neatly strung together they shine like an ocean pebble. I like the sky. Sometimes. And sometimes it makes me ache with a vague sense of loss. My smile can look like a smirk. My humour is often dry. I'm a confounding amalgam of cynicism and compassion. I often wish everything was different and nothing ever changed. I'm lost. Find me.


I am looking for:
Looking for a genius psychiatrist to unravel my tangled mind, anyone of any gender whose friends have all gone overseas and abandoned them to live in a state of boredom and frustration YOU BASTARDS. Prefer undersex males or amusing females (girls, it's all friendship on account of my orientation).


Favourite Movies:
I like some internatonal movies, documentaries, Indi type stuff and art house.


Favourite Music:
Sigur Ros, Radiohead, TV on the Radio ... you get the picture. No I don't cut. Yes, my knife collection has been confiscated.


Favourite Reading:
Prefer factual, will dabble in fiction.


Favourite Sport:
I'm not exactly the sporty kind.


Other Interests:
Dog training, animals, documentaries, feminism (OMGRUN), food, agnosticism, photography, literature, Brit comedy.


Here is the less confronting version I most commonly use:

Love animals, music, reading and movies. Enjoy nature and writing trite self-promotions for dating sites. Looking for friendship more than anything else, but will consider relationship if we click.

Looking for someone who potentially shares my interests. If you can spell and you're not a serial killer, drop me a line.

Friends (33):

Friend of (33):